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Why does cancer ghosting happen?

One of the most complicated parts of being ghosted? Understanding what exactly happened. Unfortunately, ghosting during cancer can happen for all sorts of reasons. Here are some common examples Adams has seen in her career.

Lack of experience with cancer

While you can be ghosted at any age, Adams notes it is often something experienced by adolescent and young adult patients. This may be because younger people have fewer experiences with friends or family members who¡¯ve had cancer, leaving them unsure how to respond.

The desire to avoid unpleasant topics

Cancer ghosting can also be linked to the desire to shy away from emotional or unpleasant topics. For some, the topic of cancer might bring up uncomfortable emotions or memories from their own lives, leading them to withdraw.

¡°Cancer can be very awkward to talk about,¡± Adams says. ¡°In general, people avoid some bigger topics that can be more emotional.¡±

Not knowing what to say?

Sometimes, not knowing how to support a loved one facing cancer can lead to unintentional ghosting. For others, the fear of showing up imperfectly results in them not showing up at all.

Some people may ghost because they want to avoid:

• Saying the wrong thing
• Accidentally being insensitive
• Offering help that isn¡¯t needed
• Overwhelming someone

¡°In general, most people have people in their lives who want to support them and who truly want to show up for them, and they don't know how,¡± Adams says.

What to do when you¡¯ve been ghosted

In many cases, ghosting causes emotional pain. For some, it may even impact the ability to get cancer care. For example, maybe you rely on others for rides to treatment, financial support or help with everyday activities.

Here¡¯s Adams¡¯ step-by-step cancer ghosting survival guide.

Know your feelings and needs are valid

For many, a cancer diagnosis is among life¡¯s most challenging experiences. Losing your support system during this time can cause sadness, frustration, anger or feeling left out. All of these emotions are totally normal.

¡°Your needs are valid,¡± she says. ¡°We all need things. And going through cancer is really, really hard.¡±

Try not to take it personally

Consider each of the common reasons for cancer ghosting Adams describes. The common theme? The reason for ghosting often reflects the ghoster, not the ghosted. So, while it may feel almost impossible not to take ghosting personally, it can help to look at the situation from another perspective.

¡°I like to start with the assumption that, in general, the people that you love ¡ª your friends, your family, your support system ¡ª they do care about you. They're not trying to ghost you intentionally,¡± she says.

Don't be afraid to reach out

It can be uncomfortable to ask for company or support, Adams acknowledges. But instead of feeling like you¡¯re burdening loved ones, she suggests thinking of it as giving them the opportunity to support you.

A quick message can let your friends and family know you are feeling well enough to catch up and miss their company. For example, ¡°I know we haven't talked in a while, but I'd love to catch up if you have some time to chat.¡±

Another way to break the ice? Ask to see pet pictures.

¡°It's OK to say what you need. It's OK to ask,¡± Adams says.

Access support and resources

You don¡¯t have to navigate cancer alone. Not sure where to find support? A good first stop for MD Anderson patients is the Social Work department. Here, a licensed professional will learn more about your specific situation and connect you with appropriate resources.

This might mean exploring counseling and therapy or getting a referral to the?Supportive Care Center, the Adolescent and Young Adult Program or the Integrative Medicine Center. Social work counselors can also help you juggle the often-complicated logistics of accepting help, such as meal trains, from your support system.

If you are looking to connect with other cancer survivors, this might mean participating in a peer support group.

Two peer support options at MD Anderson are:

• myCancerConnection: Patients are paired with a cancer survivor or caregiver for free, one-on-one phone support. Matches can be requested based on diagnosis, treatment or other related cancer experiences.
• Support groups: Social work counselors facilitate sessions on a variety of cancer-related topics. Examples include Caregiver Support Groups, a Cervical Cancer Support Group, a Stem Cell Transplant Support Group and a Men¡¯s Support Group. There are both in-person and virtual offerings.

How to be there for a loved one during cancer treatment

The opposite of ghosting? Showing up. Here are tips Adams suggests for supporting a loved one with cancer in a way that honors their preferences.

Follow their lead

There is no one right way to communicate about cancer. Some people may want to share a lot about their experiences, while others may be more private. An easy way to figure out how to proceed? Follow their lead.

Let them know you are there

Want to support someone but not quite sure how to say that or what to say? Adams has you covered.

¡°Just saying, ¡®Hey, I'm here for whatever you need. I'm here for normalcy, I'm here for the hard times, I'm here for the good times,¡¯ really can give the patient the space and know that it's OK to talk about cancer and OK not to talk about cancer. Both are valid,¡± she says.

RELATED: Things to say to someone with cancer

Maintain normal communications

During cancer treatment, topics that feel fun and normal can be really refreshing. So, if you have a friend that you regularly go on coffee runs with, text them about the new seasonal flavors. Does your cousin appreciate a good meme? Send away!

Don¡¯t expect a reply

When you aren't feeling well, it can be hard to keep up with friends and family. That's why Adams recommends sending messages without expecting a reply or even saying, ¡°No need to respond!¡±

¡°That really gives a lot of support without putting any pressure on them,¡± she says.

Keep showing up

Survivorship and managing the long-term effects of cancer and cancer treatment may feel particularly lonely and isolating, Adams says.

¡°Some patients have support throughout their treatment, but once they finish treatment, everyone celebrates like, ¡®Good job!¡¯ You did it!¡¯ ¡®You beat cancer!¡¯ ¡®This is amazing!¡¯ ¡®Bye!¡¯ ¡®See you later!¡¯¡± she says. ¡°Your brain's trying to process this crazy trauma that you just went through, and everyone in your life is expecting you to be normal. And then there's no one who's there for you anymore.¡±

After someone rings the bell or finishes treatment, their life doesn't automatically go back to exactly how it was before treatment.

¡°Many people need support not just during treatment, but afterward, too,¡± Adams says.

To help, keep checking in and showing up for your loved one as they navigate their new normal.

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